Some Modester Proposals to Survive Climate Change
by Tom Ballard
According to scientists, for the planet as we know it to survive past 2050, CO2 emissions must be halved by 2030. According to me, fat chance…unless.
We’ve all heard the refrain, “If CO2 is outlawed, only outlaws will have CO2.” It’s time we shout: “The problem isn’t CO2; it’s people!”
We’ve politely asked the vast masses to stop torching the planet. We’ve flown multi-millionaires to secluded resorts for a chat. But we haven’t tried cutting greenhouse gasses at their source: eight billion deadly greenhouse gas blowers.
Human numbers will soon crash anyway. We can and must proactively reduce the population in an organized and humane way.
Several viable options exist:
Floods, storm surges, tornados, and other disasters are rising yearly, removing more CO2 originators. Let’s ramp these numbers up by defunding FEMA, the Red Cross, and other misfocused do-gooders. Republican states have already experimented with this strategy, with positive negative results. Unfortunately, governors lose their nerve, succumbing to whining and grumbling. Do away with rescue agencies and there’ll be no more backsliding.
Famine: One consumer wannabe dies every four seconds from starvation. Imagine the possibilities if we cut “humanitarian aid,” which is really “population proliferation.”
War: A proven population corrective, but modern wars are not keeping coffins rolling along at the pace we need. The Great War saw truly great advances when one machine gun could lower the population by hundreds. It’s time to stop stigmatizing “tactical” nuclear war and embrace a grander strategy. In a world of ever-hotter summers, make winters great again!
Plague: In the good old days, runaway bugs wiped out 30-50 percent of the “carbon excess.” COVID-19 lacks spunk in comparison. We need to hearken back with less soap and more viruses, bacteria, rats, and fleas.
Suicide: This tactic has the advantages of being self-selecting and increasing the average happiness index. Sadly, although despair is the second leading cause of death worldwide for those aged 15-24, it only decreases environmental stress by 800,000 carbon footprints a year (i.e., 1,600,000 actual footprints). The Department of Motor Vehicles already acts as a depression conduit. Could we call in hospital administrators to make the DMV more efficient at crushing souls?
Diabetes: Only 100,000 American smog generators died from this disappointing disease in 2021. It’s clearly not pulling its weight. Let’s see a pilot program of Twizzler Tuesdays in offices, schools, libraries, and hospitals. I applaud the recent increase in insulin prices and would like to see that extended to oxygen tanks.
Stroke: While 800,000 Americans stroke out each year, only 137,000 drop dead and stay that way. Why all the research on blood thinners when what we need are blood thickeners? We can’t only rely on gravy.
Cancer: At best, it saves the planet in weeks, often taking years of pain and slow decline. I’m not a sadist.
That said, our future is in peril. The disastrous war on tobacco has deflated a pleasant hobby’s contribution to carbon reduction by 8 million lives since 1964. The law of unintended consequences! We spent 720 million dollars in 2022 to prevent tobacco use—how many Twizzlers would that buy, or nuclear warheads?
Lottery: This promises unbiased selection. The infrastructure is already in place, and there’s an opportunity for great branding—the Shirley Jackson Jackpot: A Powerball to Save the Planet!
Homelessness: Stop building housing! Homelessness fosters starvation, despair, and crime (see below).
Toughness on crime: The US experiences seven million larcenies each year—an amazing opportunity! Imagine what carbon mitigation we could achieve with no mitigation, no parole, no comfy cells and ankle bracelets—but rather with the death penalty applied to all crimes, except murder. Instead of mass shooters pilloried as “moody lone gunmen,” venerate them as “super environmentalists.”
Maximum age limit: Cutting off CO2 boomers at 65 reduces overpopulation by 17% and dramatically improves Medicare and Social Security spreadsheets. Mechanism? Collect your “pension” in person at the DMV.
Universal free birth control and SWAT raids of baby showers, gender reveal parties, kids’ birthday bashes, and summer camps (when super environmentalists fail to step up). Breeders tagged with a B on the forehead. Failing that, I have one last idea to save our planet—
Baby roasts: Jonathan Swift made this modest proposal two hundred and fifty years ago, and he’s honored in Dublin’s St. Patrick’s Cathedral. Clearly the Irish value culling the herd. They live extravagantly on a low-population island and refuse to divulge how they manage it.
Suggestions are welcome. Submit them in person to the DMV.
Tom Ballard is a naturopathic doctor and the author of several novels, the screenplay Eco-Agent Man, the play Get to Know Your Duck, and numerous short pieces ranging from crime to humor. He can be found at TomBallardArts.com. His humor pieces have appeared in The Humor Times and Defenestration.
This was brilliant 🌈